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Halp!

I think my rectum is infected after my recent alien probe. Or maybe I can has butt toomahh?

Is butthurt. Halp. Pleeze.

Stabbity stabbity

This morning on my way to work, I had a stabbing kind of pain roughly under my right nipple. It went away after five minutes or so, but came back in the afternoon, again for five or ten minutes. I wasn't doing anything strenuous at the time, just driving in the car in the morning and sitting at my desk in the afternoon.

Could that be a warning sign of a heart attack or am I being paranoid in assuming that?

halp

Dear Dr. LJ,

Since about two weeks before Christmas, I have been really really absent-minded and flaky. Like, at least once I completely forgot to set my alarm clock when I had plans for the morning and didn't wake up until like 2 p.m. -- that kind of absent-minded and flaky. This is weird; I am always a little absent-minded, but I've been, like, losing track of entire days. What is wrong with me? Is my brain melting?

P.S. BONUS TWO ILLNESSES IN ONE POST
Also I have a really nasty cough and I think I might die. Cough drops are not helping at all. Any suggestions?

Tongue?

So after all the new year's merriment (read: chasing one of my dogs all over the neighborhood since he somehow managed to let himself out of the house), I was resting, reading eljay, when I felt like there was something laying against the back of my throat. I coughed a few times, nothing. I checked with a flashlight, and it looks like those big tastebuds (I'm assuming that's what they are) way the hell on the very back of my tongue are horribly inflamed o.O

I've taken some Benadryl (forty minutes ago) and the boything says he'll take me to the ER if it gets worse. The Benadryl doesn't seem to be doing jack shit, though =/

So halp, Dr. Eljay, what could this be and what can I do?

Dec. 13th, 2007

My brain feels like it's about a thousand feet above my body. Is it aliens? Am I possessed? Bad trip? Too many fucking Christmas carols? Halp!!


ETA: Asked about this last week ("ADD or AIDZ??"), but it's gotten worse. I need a brainectomy.

Dec. 11th, 2007

I have recently heard that women are supposed to have shit that smells like flowers. Mine smells like rotting food and something dead. How many roses should I stuff up my ass to fix this?
Dear Dr. LJ,

Last night I had a dream that my pubes turned into pasta. I started pulling them out exclaiming 'oh no, not again!'...

My question is: I want to go to the gyno, but i'm afraid she'll be mad at me for not telling her when my pubes turned into pasta the first time. What should i do?

PS, there was no sauce =(

hypochrondriacs are serious

So for the past day and a half, I've had a throbbing headache. There doesn't seem to be pain, although maybe it's because I take a ton of advil [at least 1 every four hours to ward off the wisdom tooth pain] My nose is also dripping. Will special advil sinus fix this, or do I need to call the dentist/doctor?

I'm sorry for being a hypochondriac. Should I go back into therapy?

Halp

Last night I had a bad headache, and then I puked :(

Is it a tumor? Also, would a strong enema help, maybe one hooked up to my shower head?

Yeast Infection

I really need a Yeast Infection because I am poor and can't afford to buy any, but I promised to make some yeast rolls for someone for Christmas. How can I get a yeast infection and then harvest the yeast? Also, will it be self-rising yeast? Because that's what the recipe calls for.

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